dustin sent this in.

• By cyril on
• Fri Dec 16, 05:34 PM

Joe did this photoshop thing… Dustin sent the quotes.

steven wright is a genius these are great
dustin

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried
before.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”—Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”—Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.—Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.—Steven Wright

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”—Steven Wright

My socks DO match. I go by thickness.—Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on
the
road an hour.—Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.—Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.—Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.—Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.—Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.—Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.—Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.—Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus?—Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.—Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”—Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?—Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.—Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?—Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.—Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?” I said, “yes”.—Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What
for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”—Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.—Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.—Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.—Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.—Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and
then you remember it really is? I’m like that all the time.—Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what?—Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little
old
lady had to help me across the street.—Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere.—Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…—Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.—Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”—Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.—Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.—Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.—Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?
I’m like that all the time.—Steven Wright

There aren’t enough days in the weekend.—Steven Wright

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.—Steven Wright

Is “tired old cliche” one?—Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?—Steven Wright